Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. –Genesis 2:24

I find it interesting that Genesis 2: 24 not only speaks of cleaving, but it also addresses the need for a man to “leave his father and his mother.”  In the book “Helping and Healing Our Families,” authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen share a quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton and then paraphrase the quote by saying this; “Elder Ashton reminded us that in cleaving to a spouse, married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents.  In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent” (Harper and Olsen, p. 327).  So why is this important to me?  In March of 2020, my son is getting married and this gives me the opportunity to take on the new role of mother-in-law.  This is a role that I want to be positive in and continue building strong family ties. 

On the 20^th of this month, my husband and I will celebrate our 25^th wedding anniversary.  This is a big milestone for us and an accomplishment that we cherish.  In the twenty five years that we have been married, I have had lots of opportunity to experience in-law relationships.  I have a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t, but I found Harper and Olsen’s information helpful and worthy of sharing. 

Harper and Olsen say that one of the “first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up” and create their own “marital identity” (Harper and Olsen, p. 328).  As I take on the mother-in-law role, I know that I want to respect their space & give them the opportunity to figure out their own “marital identity.”  I plan on always extending the invitation to family events, and letting them know that our door is always open, but I know it is important to let them decide what works best for them.  I know that being demanding, guilt tripping, and trying to control things will only hurt our relationship.  Harper and Olsen shared a list by Gloria Horsley of “five things that every parent-in-law should avoid.  They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication” (Harper and Olsen, p. 332).  I know that I will be successful as a mother-in-law if I avoid doing these five things from Horsley’s list, and choose to be respectful, understanding, and love unconditionally.

I believe that marriage is hard enough to figure out and work through as a couple, and added stress and drama from the parent-in-laws only makes it harder.  Harper and Olsen said that “when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone” (Harper and Olsen, pg. 332).  I would refer to that as having a legacy.  It always comes down to making a choice.  Do I want to have an “influence” or legacy where I am remembered as being loving and supportive, or I do I want to be remembered as one who doesn’t respect boundaries and is a negative force in my children and their spouses’ life?  To me, this is such a simple choice, I want to “do things right” and be an influence for good. 

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Since the beginning of time, there has been a misunderstanding, or a misguided belief, that the husband is the head of the household and the one in control, while the wife has a lesser role and must “submit” to her husband.  I’ve always found it interesting how Satan twists truth, despite the overwhelming evidence that this is not how a loving Heavenly Father works.  Yet, this misguided belief continues to be passed down from generation to generation.  I believe that part of how the adversary continues to promulgate this misguided notion can be found in the translation of certain words from Hebrew to other languages.  

Bruce C. Hafen and his wife, Marie, do a beautiful job in explaining and clearing up this notion.  The Hafen’s explained that “Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to ‘rule over’ Eve, but this doesn’t make Adam a dictator. . .Over in ‘rule over’ uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over. . . The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel.  Eve was Adam’s ‘help meet’ (Genesis 2:18).  The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam.  She wasn’t his servant or his subordinate” (Hafen and Hafen, 2007).  I believe that it is important that we all understand that in marriage, husband and wife are equals, and they are to assist each other in their roles and rule together equally.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said that “marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have” (Hinckley, 1992).  When there is a spouse “exercising dominion” or control  over the other, it will bring trouble and disharmony to the marriage and home.  Dr. Richard B. Miller says that “many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship.  Research makes it very clear that issues about power is predictive of marital problems.  Research also demonstrates that unequal power relationships in marriage are predictive of depression.  Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership” (Miller, 2008).  I love when research can add to our understanding, and in this case help us to see that a marriage is most likely to be happy with couples having an equal partnership. 

Elder M. Russell Ballard shares his thoughts in how God sees all of His children and the different roles that men and women play.  Elder Ballard said, “Even though men and women are equal before God in their eternal opportunities, they do have different duties in His eternal plan—and yet these differing roles and duties are equally significant.  We must understand that God views all of His children with infinite wisdom and perfect fairness.  Consequently, He can acknowledge and even encourage our differences while providing equal opportunities for growth and development” (Ballard, 1997).   So, what are some of the “different duties” that Elder Ballard mentioned?  Elder Ballard said that men are “to receive the priesthood, to become fathers” and  have been “given the primary responsibility for providing for the temporal and physical needs of the family.”  Concerning women, Elder Ballard said that they “have the ability to bring children into the world and have been given the primary role and opportunity to lead, nurture, and teach their little ones in a loving, safe, and spiritual environment.” Putting the two roles together, Elder Ballard called this a “divinely sanctioned partnership,” where “husbands and wives work together, each bringing his or her unique contribution to the family.”  Elder Ballard goes on to say that “by appointing different accountabilities to men and women, Heavenly Father provides the greatest opportunity for growth, service, and progress” (Ballard, 1997). 

God ordained marriage and I believe that the design of the roles of husband and wife is part of His perfect plan.  We need to respect and honor each other’s roles and have unity in our marriages.  Elder Henry B. Eyring said, “A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them” (Eyring, 1998). I love this quote as it shares how we can “be one” and be united by pulling from our strengths from our “similarities” and “differences.”  Marriage is worth it!  Be equals, be one, work together in a united purpose, and always look to God for help!

Ballard, M. Russell. (1997). Counseling with Our Councils,  Deseret Book, p. 55-56

Eyring, Henry B. (1998, May). That We May Be One, Ensign, v. 28, 5, p. 66

Hafen, B. C. and Hafen, M. K. (2007, August). Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal   Partners. Ensign, 37, p. 24-29

Hinckley, Gordon B. (1992, August).  I Believe. Ensign,  v. 22, 8, p. 6

Miller, Richard B. (2008).  Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.

If you are like me, then you married fully hoping to have a love and a marriage that would last forever.  A forever marriage takes a lot work and requires a constant awareness in safeguarding it.  In Doctrine and Covenants 42: 22 it states: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.”  President Spencer W. Kimball expounded on this verse by saying, “that the words none else eliminate everyone and everything.  The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”  This statement makes it very clear that your spouse is your top priority over all others. 

Just to make it more clear, President Kimball said, “Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity.  Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor, and affection, with all dignity.  Any divergence is sin; any sharing of the heart is transgression.  As we should have ‘an eye single to the glory of God,’ so should we have an eye, an ear, a heart single to the marriage and the spouse and family.”  This is a profound statement.  We are not safeguarding our marriage if we are “sharing” our heart with another.  President Kimball even boldly referred to this as a “sin” and a “transgression.”   

In Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he states that “the covenant we make with God to avoid all sexual relations outside of marriage precludes not only to physical, but romantic relationships outside of marriage, even if they are only mental or emotional” (Goddard, 2009, p. 91).  It is hard not to question why so many fall into the traps of having an affair, which can only lead to heartache and devastation in a marriage.  Dr. Goddard says that “Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means.  He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness.  He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations.”  Most people do not wake up one day and think, “gee, I think I’ll cheat on my spouse today.”  Most affairs happen, like Dr. Goddard said, by “subtle and indirect means.”  Dr. Goddard shares the stages and progression of unfaithfulness:

• Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
• An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
• Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”
• Relationship declared as “special”
• Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what other will say/think)
• Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person
• Spouse is displaced.  Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
• Faultfinding with spouse
• Fantasies about other person
• Physical affection—a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
• Sexual relations

 This list can be considered a warning or a checklist to make sure you are safeguarding your marriage.  Dr. Goddard says that “at any point in the process we can repent” Goddard, 2009, p. 93).  He also says that we need to “be alert to the predictable temptations that Satan uses to break up marriages.  We should monitor our behavior and our feelings closely.  By being alert to the danger signs we can prevent the problems that begin so innocently but end so disastrously” (Goddard, 2009, p. 94).  I believe that having boundaries and a constant awareness are key.   I also believe that a marriage between two people is worth protecting and safeguarding, so give it all you got!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

Kimball, Spencer W. (1973). Faith Precedes the Miracle, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, p. 141-  143

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/42?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng (this is an additional resource that has great questions for a “personal assessment” for safeguarding and having fidelity in marriage)

“And now abideth faith, hope, and charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

In H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he teaches of the great need for charity to be in our hearts and in our marriages. But what exactly is charity?  I love that Dr. Goddard addresses what it is “NOT” by saying “it is not artificial good cheer.  It is not a thin veneer of politeness on a distressed soul.  It is not holding our tongues while judging and resenting others” (Goddard, 2009, p. 113).  In Moroni 7:47 it says that “charity is the pure love of Christ.”  In this same chapter we learn that, “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. . .if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth” (Moroni 7:45-46).  Jesus is the perfect example of charity, and in order to become like Him and to live with Him again someday, charity is a quality that we must have.  This is of course, “easier said than done.”

Charity doesn’t always come naturally, and it takes work.  Dr. Goddard says that there are “several keys to charity. . . We must be humble enough to recognize our own failings.  We must have faith unto repentance, that is, we must trust Jesus enough to be willing to run to Him with our sins, begging for His help with managing our mortal selves and changing our natures” (Goddard, 2009, p. 127).  I have had to humble myself many times and ask for forgiveness and for Christ to help me in “changing [my] nature” to be more charitable.  I will most likely repeat this process over and over for the rest of my life.  I find comfort in knowing that Christ will always forgive and show His love for me, which reminds me just how much “we are all dependent upon His charity” (Goddard, 2009, 116).

I believe that marriage life gives us the opportunity to work on charity on a daily basis.  Our spouse is the person that we love the most, but we are also very aware of their weaknesses, many of which drives us crazy.  Dr. Goddard says that “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!  God is serious about cultivating our charity.  Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity.  There are no right words when our hearts our wrong” (Goddard, 2009, p. 126).  Dr. Goddard goes on to say that with every “interaction. . .we choose to see each other the way ordinary mortals see each other, or we choose to see each other the way Jesus sees us.  That is charity, the mind of Christ” (Goddard, 2009, p. 116).  The next time you are dealing with an irritation or the weakness of your spouse or another, remember that it is a choice to see them as the world sees them or to see them as Jesus sees them.  Pray for help to see them as Jesus sees them.  Choose charity!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change            relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/moro/7?lang=enghttps://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/1-cor/13?lang=eng

When a man and a woman join hands in marriage, they are covenanting/committing to each other all of their love with their whole heart and soul.  In Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he refers to this as consecration in marriage.  Dr. Goddard says that “marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration” in which “we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls” (Goddard, 2009, p. 103).     

I love the idea that I am working together with the one I love most in “perfecting our souls” through our experiences in marriage.  But how exactly do we go about doing this?  Dr. Goddard explained that  “consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve.  We become more grateful.  Rather than wondering if this marriage is a good investment that will pay us a handsome return, we ask for heavenly grace that we may love and serve as Jesus served—without thought of reward” (Goddard, 2009, p. 110).  I know that sometimes doing these things, such as putting our spouse first or being “grateful,” are “easier said than done,” but I have experienced how “practicing consecration” has blessed my marriage and helped me to become more like Christ.   

What if your marriage is hard?  What if your marriage is full of conflict?  What if there are days that you don’t even like your spouse?  Dr. Goddard says that these are the times that “consecration invites us to put everything we have on the altar—to hold nothing back” (Goddard, 2009, p. 105).  Dr. Goddard goes on to say that with consecration “we are willing to minister to a mixed-up spouse.  We are willing to love a failing partner.  We bless those who belittle us.  We pray for those who have despitefully used us. . .[we] accept abundant limitations. . . It is acting to redeem our partners and our covenants with everything we have and everything we may draw from Heaven” (Goddard, 2009, p. 105).  To me this means to love unconditionally and to give it our all and our everything.  I also believe that it is key to “draw from Heaven” as Dr. Goddard stated, and to always remember Heaven is on our side and we don’t have to do it alone.

Next month, my husband and I will celebrate our 25^th wedding anniversary.  Through all of these years we have been through a lot, but we have also grown a lot.  I stopped counting the cost a long time ago and dug in and gave it my all.  I take a lot comfort in this statement by Dr. Goddard,  “those who relentlessly demand something better—more attentive partners and better family life—will be disappointed.  Those who give up everything—their time, talents, and expectations in service of their families—are the ones who get everything—Eternal Life and Glory” (Goddard, 2009, p. 111).  “Eternal Life and Glory” my goal, and I have already reaped many of the benefits of practicing consecration in my marriage.  I believe it is worth it!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

Think about the many decisions a marriage faces.  Some decisions are big, and some are small, and some decisions are made every day, while other decisions are less frequent.  There are countless decisions like courtship in marriage, parenting styles, children, household rules, religious worshiping, budgeting, chores, housing, employment, and even down to the simplest decisions of grocery items and preferred household products.  We even get to make the everyday decision of whether we value and respect our spouse’s opinion and include them in on the decision making process.

Dr. John M. Gottman’s Fourth Principle is his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, speaks about the need to “let your partner influence you” in making your decisions.  Dr. Gottman did a nine year study on 130 newlywed couples and found that “men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence.  Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share the power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct” (Gottman, 2015, p. 116).  81 percent divorce rate is alarming.  Gottman goes on to explain that it “takes two” and that he is not trying to gender “bash,” but that his “data indicates” that the “vast majority of wives. . .let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account.  But too often, men do not return the favor” (Gottman, 2015, p.116).  Why is this?  Does it go back through generations of time where the man is to be the head of the household, and therefore doesn’t need his wife’s input in decision making?  Does religion play a role in this?

Interestingly enough, Gottman addresses the religious beliefs of men being “the head of the family” and he says that “all spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse.  And that’s what accepting influence is all about.  After all, do you really want to make decisions that leave your wife feeling disrespected?  Is that really consistent with religious beliefs?  It is not” (Gottman, 2015, p. 119).  I love that Gottman points out that “emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect” (Gottman, 2015, p. 121).  “Loving,” “esteeming your spouse,” “honor,” and “respect,” these are all words that describe a marriage approved by God. 

Gottman says that “accepting influence is an attitude, but it’s also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 126). Gottman also says that “when a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship.  This occurs not just because the absence of frequent power struggles makes the marriage more pleasurable, but because such a husband is open to learning from his wife” (Gottman, 2015, p. 121).  I believe that power struggles can zap the energy right out of a marriage.   I also believe that all marriages have the goal of having a strong friendship, which is possible if we choose to learn from each other and work together.     

If we want that “happiest, most stable marriage” that Gottman speaks of, we need to be willing to accept the influences of our spouses and share the power in decision making.  This will require us to keep pride out of our marriages.  The opposite of pride is humility.  In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says that “humility is the friend of truth.  Humility opens us up to the experiences of others and to truth from heaven.  Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that ‘man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend’ (Mosiah 4:9).  We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective.  We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective” (Goddard, 2009, p. 71).  You married your best friend, so choose to be humble, choose to respect and honor them, value their opinion,  and “let your partner influence you” with the decisions that you need to make. 

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.).  New York: Harmony Books. 

Every day we make choices that will either turn us towards God or turn us away from Him.  In Dr. H. Wallace Goddard’s book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, he says, “Faith unto repentance means that we trust Jesus enough to turn our lives over to Him.  We give up governance of our lives and turn that over to God” (Goddard, 2009, p. 75).  This is something that we all must ponder and decide at some point in our lives.  Do I trust Jesus enough to turn my life over to Him?  For me, the answer is yes, as I agree with this statement from Goddard: “We must turn ourselves over to God” because “He can make sense of our fractured and flawed lives. We cannot” (Goddard, 2009, p.75).  I have witnessed what God has done with my own “fractured and flawed life” and it is far more than I could have ever done on my own.   

Goddard also teaches that “when we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven.  We are guilty of pride” (Goddard, 2009, p. 65).  This makes sense because they are all negative choices.  The remedy to this, according to Goddard is “turning to God in faith and repentance” which “is the cure for pride and self-centeredness” (Goddard, 2009, p. 72).  Goddard also explains that “the natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others” (Goddard, 2009, p. 69).  I can’t think of more important and deserving relationship, than that of marriage, that deserves our very best in us “fixing ourselves” through repentance so that we can love our spouses with our whole hearts.

Just as it is important to make sure that we are constantly turning towards God, it is also important to make sure that we are choosing to turn towards our spouse.  Dr. John M. Gottman teaches this as his third principle in his book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Gottman says, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support.  Bids can be as minor as asking for a back-rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill.  The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.  A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion and a satisfying sex life” (Gottman, 2015, p. 88).  While “bids” can be both minor and major ways that spouses can turn towards each other, Gottman sees these as “crucial mini-moments” that we need to always be aware of.  These moments are key in building “trust” in our marriages and “its ongoing sense of romance” (Gottman, 2015, p. 89). 

Goddard beautifully taught that “when we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purposes over to God, He will refine us.  We begin to see with new eyes.  We feel with new warmth and goodness.  We gladly give our time and energy to bless those around us—especially those to whom we have made covenants” (Goddard, 2009, p. 79).  I believe that the success of my marriage has come down to my willingness to turn towards God, always asking for His guidance and blessings for my marriage.  I also believe in the importance of my husband and I turning towards each other.  The answered “bids” for “attention, affection, humor, or support” has built “trust” and the “emotional connection” that I’ve needed through the 24 years that I’ve been married.  I encourage all to turn towards God and toward your spouse and watch these actions bless your life and marriage.  Goddard said it best when he said, “Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice” (Goddard, 2009, p. 83).  Choose it, fight the good fight!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books. 

No marriage is spared from adversity.  Have you ever stopped to think that adversity actually plays an important part in God’s plan?  According to H. Wallace Goddard, “afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth” (Goddard, 2015, 37).  He goes on to say that “since marriage is God’s finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other area of life” (Goddard, 2015, 37).  That seems a little discouraging, but Goddard says that “rather than dread our afflictions, we can learn to welcome them.  We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven.”  Even though adversity is hard, we can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

One struggle that a marriage might face is learning and understanding what it means to sacrifice for the marriage and for each other.  Goddard says that “in striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrism of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood.  We make a covenantal step toward unselfishness.  As we progress in marriage we gain ennobled character as well as eternal companionship” (Goddard, 2015, 43).  Selfishness plagues many marriages and is a cause of a lot of adversity.  It takes work to learn how to control the natural man (selfishness) and to choose to sacrifice instead to help a marriage grow. In the talk, “Our Perfect Example,” by President Henry B. Eyring said, “the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships.  The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own.  That is what love is.  And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love” (Eyring, 2009).  Goddard encourages that “each of us should pray earnestly for the heavenly help to make those sacrifices that will sanctify our relationships” (Goddard, 2015, p. 44). 

President Gordon B. Hinckley recognized the challenge of “companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull.”  Speaking to the men, he shares how to avoid this by saying that “I know of no more certain way to keep it on lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes.”  He then addresses the women and says, “I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement.”  Then addressing both men and women he states, “the very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.”  I love this counsel because he tells us to “reflect” on the value and divine nature of your spouse which will help your marriage grow.    

Even though adversity is part of the plan, it isn’t something that God expects us to do alone.  God is so willing to help all those who ask.  President Henry B. Eyring said that we can “pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion.  Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small.  Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own.  Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion” (Eyring, 2009).  God will bless your marriage and help fight your battles, just ask!

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/marriage-and-family-relations-instructors-manual/part-a-strengthening-marriages/lesson-5-responding-to-challenges-through-positive-communication?lang=eng&clang=ara

Nobody goes into a marriage hoping that it will be miserable or worse, that it will fail and end in divorce.  And yet, we know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  Why is this?  I believe it comes down to behaviors and choices. 

John M. Gottman, known as the “Country’s foremost relationship expert,” has studied and researched marriages for over 40 years with thousands of couples.  Gottman’s book titled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, brings to light the positive and negative behaviors in marriages that explain why some marriages succeed while others fail.  One thing that I found most interesting is that Gottman has a 91% accuracy in predicting divorce.  Gottman states, “I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes” (Gottman, 2015, p. 2).  Amazing! 

Since we don’t get married to get divorced, let’s start off with the negative behaviors that Gottman teaches that we need to be aware of.  Gottman states that there are “certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 32).  The first horsemen is criticism.  Gottman explains that we all have “complaints” about the people we live with but criticism “expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality” (Gottman, 2015, p. 32-33).  I see this as more of a personal attack.  Horsemen number two is contempt. Gottman explains that contempt “arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It is a form of disrespect. . .is poisonous to a relationship because it coveys disgust” (Gottman, 2015, p. 34).   The third horsemen is defensiveness.  Gottman says that “defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner” and that it “just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly” (Gottman, 2015, p. 36-37).  Horsemen number four is stonewalling.  Stonewalling to me is like shutting down because it easier than dealing with the three previous horsemen.  Gottman explains stonewalling as “one partner tunes out,” “disengages,” and “acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it” (Gottman, 2015, p. 39).  Gottman says that all marriages have these four horsemen enter into their marriages from time to time, but those who bring them in to stay, are doomed without getting help. 

Gottman takes an interesting approach to the positive things that make marriages work.  Most of us would say that communication skills are key.  While that is important, Gottman beautifully states that it comes down to the “simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.  By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” (Gottman, 2015, p. 21). Gottman goes on to say that “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 22).  I feel like we go into a marriage feeling like we are best friends, what I’ve realized is how much more important it is to build upon that friendship after the wedding.  Another positive behavior that Gottman teaches is “attunement.”  Attunement is a “mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level” (Gottman, 2015, p.24).  Attunement is so important for us in understanding each other’s emotional needs and feelings.  Gottman teaches that we can have successful marriages by “learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority” (Gottman, 2015, p. 26).

I am thankful that Gottman has dedicated his life work to that of marriage.  There is a lot I still need to learn and grow in.  I will say that the most successful thing for me in the almost 25 years that I have been married has been drawing upon the Atonement of Christ.  Christ can heal all things, including marriages.  In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states that “the key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ” (Goddard, 2009, p. 17).  We can have successful marriages by choosing to include Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into them, and by removing negative behaviors and improving positive behaviors.  It’s your choice, what’s it going to be?

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing. 

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books. 

As a young girl, I bought in “hook, line, and sinker,” to the idea of the Disney fairy tale that I would meet “the one,” fall in love, marry, and “live happily ever after.”  Fairy tales always include an amazing story of adversity that leads up to that great moment of reaching that “happily ever after,” but rarely do they teach of the adversity that comes with marriage. 

Don’t get me wrong, I met “the one” and I fell in love, and we married, but the “happily ever after” wasn’t automatic or just gifted to us, we’ve had to work for it, and will continue to work for it for the rest of our lives.  We are a work in progress!

            In the October 1996 Conference, Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk titled, “Covenant Marriage,” in which he addresses some of the adversity that marriages face.  He said, “Every marriage is tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves.  The first wolf is natural adversity…Second, the wolf of their own imperfections will test them. . .The third wolf is the excessive individualism.”

            One doesn’t have to look very far to see marriages being challenged with “natural adversity.”  Many struggle with infertility issues, job loss, financial stresses, physical and mental health sicknesses, and deaths in the family.  These are only a few, but this list is endless. How we react to these hardships makes all of the difference.  The success that my husband and I have found in dealing with hardships, have come from turning to the Lord and asking for His help, and working together.

            We all struggle with imperfections.  My own imperfections, as well as my husband’s, can be challenging at times.  There are the silly things that can drive me crazy like having to pick up his socks off the living room floor every morning.  I’m sure my need to have the dishwasher organized a certain way drives him crazy too.  There are more serious imperfections that can be hard, and let’s not forget the very fact that we are created and wired to think differently.  Elder David A. Bednar’s June 2006 Ensign article, “Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan,” states, “By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.”  I love that Elder Bednar says that our differences are needed in order to work and “progress together toward perfection.”     

            When I think of excessive individualism, I think of one who values their own self-interests and independence over what is best for their marriage and family.  Elder Hafen explains excessive individualism as a problem of today, with many not wanting to “belong to anybody.” Elder Hafen says, “Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves or inanimate objects. But this. . .fear, shared today by many, is that the bonds of kinship and marriage are not valuable ties that bind, but are, instead, sheer bondage.”  Taking on the responsibilities of marriage will mean that you will sacrifice for each other, but there is a level of love gained that can only come from serving and sacrificing for each other.  I cherish the feeling of that kind of love and for belonging to my sweetheart.

            I believe that it is important to understand that every marriage will be tested.  I also believe that a “happily ever after” is possible with hard work, love, God, and Christ’s Atonement.  I’ll end with this quote from Elder Bednar, but please consider the words, “happily ever after” with “ultimate happiness” as being interchangeable. “As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord, as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.”

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2006/06/marriage-is-essential-to-his-eternal-plan?

lang=enghttps://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng