For Better or for Worse: The Choice is Yours
Nobody goes into a marriage hoping that it will be miserable or worse, that it will fail and end in divorce. And yet, we know that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why is this? I believe it comes down to behaviors and choices.
John M. Gottman, known as the “Country’s foremost relationship expert,” has studied and researched marriages for over 40 years with thousands of couples. Gottman’s book titled, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, brings to light the positive and negative behaviors in marriages that explain why some marriages succeed while others fail. One thing that I found most interesting is that Gottman has a 91% accuracy in predicting divorce. Gottman states, “I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes” (Gottman, 2015, p. 2). Amazing!
Since we don’t get married to get divorced, let’s start off with the negative behaviors that Gottman teaches that we need to be aware of. Gottman states that there are “certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 32). The first horsemen is criticism. Gottman explains that we all have “complaints” about the people we live with but criticism “expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality” (Gottman, 2015, p. 32-33). I see this as more of a personal attack. Horsemen number two is contempt. Gottman explains that contempt “arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner. It is a form of disrespect. . .is poisonous to a relationship because it coveys disgust” (Gottman, 2015, p. 34). The third horsemen is defensiveness. Gottman says that “defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner” and that it “just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly” (Gottman, 2015, p. 36-37). Horsemen number four is stonewalling. Stonewalling to me is like shutting down because it easier than dealing with the three previous horsemen. Gottman explains stonewalling as “one partner tunes out,” “disengages,” and “acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it” (Gottman, 2015, p. 39). Gottman says that all marriages have these four horsemen enter into their marriages from time to time, but those who bring them in to stay, are doomed without getting help.
Gottman takes an interesting approach to the positive things that make marriages work. Most of us would say that communication skills are key. While that is important, Gottman beautifully states that it comes down to the “simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” (Gottman, 2015, p. 21). Gottman goes on to say that “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 22). I feel like we go into a marriage feeling like we are best friends, what I’ve realized is how much more important it is to build upon that friendship after the wedding. Another positive behavior that Gottman teaches is “attunement.” Attunement is a “mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level” (Gottman, 2015, p.24). Attunement is so important for us in understanding each other’s emotional needs and feelings. Gottman teaches that we can have successful marriages by “learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority” (Gottman, 2015, p. 26).
I am thankful that Gottman has dedicated his life work to that of marriage. There is a lot I still need to learn and grow in. I will say that the most successful thing for me in the almost 25 years that I have been married has been drawing upon the Atonement of Christ. Christ can heal all things, including marriages. In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states that “the key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ” (Goddard, 2009, p. 17). We can have successful marriages by choosing to include Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into them, and by removing negative behaviors and improving positive behaviors. It’s your choice, what’s it going to be?
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.