IN-LAWS
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. –Genesis 2:24
I find it interesting that Genesis 2: 24 not only speaks of cleaving, but it also addresses the need for a man to “leave his father and his mother.” In the book “Helping and Healing Our Families,” authors James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen share a quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton and then paraphrase the quote by saying this; “Elder Ashton reminded us that in cleaving to a spouse, married children should be faithful and supportive to their spouses, but not forget their parents. In turn, parents may need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent” (Harper and Olsen, p. 327). So why is this important to me? In March of 2020, my son is getting married and this gives me the opportunity to take on the new role of mother-in-law. This is a role that I want to be positive in and continue building strong family ties.
On the 20th of this month, my husband and I will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. This is a big milestone for us and an accomplishment that we cherish. In the twenty five years that we have been married, I have had lots of opportunity to experience in-law relationships. I have a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t, but I found Harper and Olsen’s information helpful and worthy of sharing.
Harper and Olsen say that one of the “first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up” and create their own “marital identity” (Harper and Olsen, p. 328). As I take on the mother-in-law role, I know that I want to respect their space & give them the opportunity to figure out their own “marital identity.” I plan on always extending the invitation to family events, and letting them know that our door is always open, but I know it is important to let them decide what works best for them. I know that being demanding, guilt tripping, and trying to control things will only hurt our relationship. Harper and Olsen shared a list by Gloria Horsley of “five things that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are giving advice, criticizing, pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event, criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren, trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication” (Harper and Olsen, p. 332). I know that I will be successful as a mother-in-law if I avoid doing these five things from Horsley’s list, and choose to be respectful, understanding, and love unconditionally.
I believe that marriage is hard enough to figure out and work through as a couple, and added stress and drama from the parent-in-laws only makes it harder. Harper and Olsen said that “when parents-in-law do things right, their influence is remembered and felt long after they are gone” (Harper and Olsen, pg. 332). I would refer to that as having a legacy. It always comes down to making a choice. Do I want to have an “influence” or legacy where I am remembered as being loving and supportive, or I do I want to be remembered as one who doesn’t respect boundaries and is a negative force in my children and their spouses’ life? To me, this is such a simple choice, I want to “do things right” and be an influence for good.
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). “Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families.” In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.