Influence
Think about the many decisions a marriage faces. Some decisions are big, and some are small, and some decisions are made every day, while other decisions are less frequent. There are countless decisions like courtship in marriage, parenting styles, children, household rules, religious worshiping, budgeting, chores, housing, employment, and even down to the simplest decisions of grocery items and preferred household products. We even get to make the everyday decision of whether we value and respect our spouse’s opinion and include them in on the decision making process.
Dr. John M. Gottman’s Fourth Principle is his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work, speaks about the need to “let your partner influence you” in making your decisions. Dr. Gottman did a nine year study on 130 newlywed couples and found that “men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share the power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct” (Gottman, 2015, p. 116). 81 percent divorce rate is alarming. Gottman goes on to explain that it “takes two” and that he is not trying to gender “bash,” but that his “data indicates” that the “vast majority of wives. . .let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often, men do not return the favor” (Gottman, 2015, p.116). Why is this? Does it go back through generations of time where the man is to be the head of the household, and therefore doesn’t need his wife’s input in decision making? Does religion play a role in this?
Interestingly enough, Gottman addresses the religious beliefs of men being “the head of the family” and he says that “all spiritual views of life are consistent with loving and esteeming your spouse. And that’s what accepting influence is all about. After all, do you really want to make decisions that leave your wife feeling disrespected? Is that really consistent with religious beliefs? It is not” (Gottman, 2015, p. 119). I love that Gottman points out that “emotionally intelligent husbands have figured out the one big thing: how to convey honor and respect” (Gottman, 2015, p. 121). “Loving,” “esteeming your spouse,” “honor,” and “respect,” these are all words that describe a marriage approved by God.
Gottman says that “accepting influence is an attitude, but it’s also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 126). Gottman also says that “when a husband accepts his wife’s influence, he also strengthens their friendship. This occurs not just because the absence of frequent power struggles makes the marriage more pleasurable, but because such a husband is open to learning from his wife” (Gottman, 2015, p. 121). I believe that power struggles can zap the energy right out of a marriage. I also believe that all marriages have the goal of having a strong friendship, which is possible if we choose to learn from each other and work together.
If we want that “happiest, most stable marriage” that Gottman speaks of, we need to be willing to accept the influences of our spouses and share the power in decision making. This will require us to keep pride out of our marriages. The opposite of pride is humility. In the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says that “humility is the friend of truth. Humility opens us up to the experiences of others and to truth from heaven. Humility requires not only that we believe in God, that He is all-wise and all-powerful, but also that ‘man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend’ (Mosiah 4:9). We must set aside our provincial view of the world (and of our spouses), and be open to our partner’s perspective. We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective” (Goddard, 2009, p. 71). You married your best friend, so choose to be humble, choose to respect and honor them, value their opinion, and “let your partner influence you” with the decisions that you need to make.
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.